The surprising power of giving a compliment back

New research finds that reciprocal compliments can strengthen relationships — even when people recognize they're partly driven by social etiquette.

Giving and receiving compliments is usually more about building connections than settling social debts. Conventional wisdom says to simply say "thank you" when someone compliments your shoes or admires your beautifully constructed spreadsheet, rather than returning the compliment. But new research by Assistant Professor of Marketing Michelle Daniels suggests that giving a compliment back may actually strengthen rapport.

Daniels and her ASU co-authors, Associate Professor of Marketing Adriana Samper and Xin Zhou, a former ASU marketing doctoral student, and the lead author on the research, recently published their paper, "Right Back at You: How Reciprocal Compliments Affect Interpersonal Impressions," in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research. Their study compared simple "thank you" responses with reciprocal compliments across four experiments to understand how each affects rapport. For example, if someone says, "That's a great shirt," and you respond, "I love your outfit, too," that generally strengthens rapport more than simply saying "thank you" — even when people recognize that the compliment may be somewhat strategic.

Why sincerity isn't the whole story

It's true that people typically perceive this type of two-way flattery to be less sincere. After all, reciprocal compliments can leave the receiver wondering if what you're saying is genuine. Daniels' research suggests the effort to connect outweighs concerns about complete honesty. "People know these compliments aren't entirely honest," she says. "But they also acknowledge, 'You're trying to continue this conversation with me. You're trying to build rapport with me,' so that social signal outweighs concerns about sincerity."

There are times, however, when honesty matters more than reciprocity. "For example, don't compliment my shirt if I have a stain on it," Daniels says. "Obviously, in that situation, I would prefer that you be honest with me." In situations where honest feedback would help someone, the researchers found that giving a reciprocal compliment didn't build rapport. "I think we've all probably experienced moments where we had something in our teeth, or maybe our zipper was undone," she says, "and it would have been helpful for someone to tell us."

Compliments matter even more when people feel alone

One of the research team's four experiments was designed to test if reciprocal compliments are more powerful in establishing rapport if the person who initiates the response is socially isolated. Daniels and her co-authors set up this scenario: Participants imagined being at a party and noticing someone wearing a Lululemon jacket they had recently seen online. Participants imagined complimenting the person, saying, "I like your jacket." The person responded in one of three ways:

• "Thank you!" (simple appreciation)
• "Thank you! This was a gift to myself after taking the LSAT" (comment history)
• "Thank you! I love your outfit, too!" (reciprocal compliment)

When participants were told to imagine that they didn't know anyone else at the party, their sense of rapport was significantly greater than when they were told to imagine that many of their close friends were there. "We think that's because when you're in a situation like that, you're already uncomfortable, so someone reciprocating an attempt to connect is more meaningful," Daniels explains.

This finding could have real-world applications in remote workplaces, where co-workers often have few in-person interactions and are trying to build relationships over Zoom. "I think that it becomes increasingly important with remote work to figure out different ways to build rapport with your colleagues, because you're not seeing them every day or running into them in the hallway," she says. So, on a Zoom call, if someone says, "Oh, your earrings are really cute," and you respond with a reciprocal compliment such as "I like your new haircut," it can help build rapport.

Compliments can boost customer loyalty

The study also tested the impact of reciprocal compliments in a service setting. It's not unusual to expect a service provider to "butter up" a customer with a compliment. Daniels' study also explored what happens when customers offer the first compliment and how a reciprocal compliment from the service provider affects customer satisfaction.

If a client visiting a new hair salon compliments the stylist's outfit and the stylist responds by complimenting the client's necklace, it can improve the client's perception of the service provider. "If you [as a service provider] engage in a reciprocal compliment, people feel better about the service, and they're more willing to recommend you to their friends," Daniels explains.

Bottom line: Just be nice

Unlike research that can feel removed from everyday life, it's simple to see the effects of this paper's findings in both your personal and professional life. Next time someone compliments your bag or blouse, instead of a simple "thank you" or "Thanks, I got it on sale," consider returning the compliment.

One workplace caveat: Make sure the reciprocal compliment is professionally appropriate. "If someone compliments you on your work, they probably don't want a reciprocal compliment on their outfit," she says. "I think ensuring that what you're complimenting is relatively equivalent is important in the workplace."

But the most important takeaway, Daniels stresses, is "Just be nice to people."

The research has also inspired Daniels to explore how everyday conversational habits shape relationships — from when it's appropriate to interrupt someone to the subtle signals we send during conversations. "We converse with people in so many different ways all the time — we talk on the phone, we talk face to face, we Slack people, we share our thoughts on social media — there are all these ways in which conversations are being shaped, and there are new signals that we can send."